‘Becoming Yourself’: An Internal Monologue #1

Written by: dapomaah’s thoughts

The module ‘Becoming Yourself’ bored me. & one thing about me is, I am superbly intolerant to what bores me. It bored me because well, how does one become their self? ‘Becoming Yourself’ is a very provocative title. It is challenging. It asks me to begin to be, to develop into myself. Immediately, it makes me think about myself as a destination, almost. That there is a self I should be coming into. But I think ‘destination’ is inadequate. It implies a finality and I think that would miss an important point. The point is that ‘myself’ is something I am constantly ‘becoming’, an act I am constantly doing. Therefore, the becoming, if it must be anything, is a feature of just Being. I am then less shackled by ‘become your ideal-self’ tropes.

I feel slightly irritated by that phrase. Because it asks me to place (false) dichotomy between who I am and who I should/want to be. And even before that, it asks me to conceive that there should be a ‘Who I Am Now’ and essentially ‘Who I Am Not’ and consequently, ‘How Can I Get There?’ It implies there is a way, a productive way, to become a better ‘you’ and this is a route that should exist. Not desiring to ‘progress’ or live out this postmodern fabric of neoliberal ideals is not ‘normal.’ And while I don’t disagree with recognizing a need for personal development, I don’t like that it prioritizes an external destination (self) and creates multiple selves that aren’t easily reconcilable or necessary, thus creating insecurities. Tbh, there is something about the ‘external’ nature of it all that irritates me. It feels like a grapple for power. External to me means power, lording over, impacting.

Which phrasing do you prefer then? Well, I prefer “I am myself”. Why is this better to you? No action is demanded, only a suggestion to recall oneself. Nah not recall. *Only a suggestion to just Be. I am myself. It is internal. Internal to me means wisdom, organic, guiding. If I am continually becoming, when am I me? Becoming Yourself, to me, sounds like become more of yourself. This is nonsensical. ‘Becoming’ will always demand the external of us. Does a Well become more of itself when it is filled with water? Does a Well become less of itself when it is empty? And must it wait for water to become itself? Or, does it exist wholly and fully by virtue of its structure? Let the Well be a Well and let the water come and go and not undermine the existence of the Well. When we ask ourselves to become more, without a stubborn understanding of wholeness (first), we subject our being’s value to external action, we subject. To subject to that which had no hand in our immediate creation or value is to frustrate life.  There is a place to deepen and draw into knowledge of oneself. To remember and reconcile with a calling and function. This place must always be secondary. First, must be I Just Am. In one documented beginning, a (g)od  just Was and then created. What more us?

Okay, explain this better. What does ‘I Just Am’ look like? Uhm. This is mindfulness. To be mindful is first. To resonate that who and what we are doesn’t linearly develop, and because of this we are constantly ‘whole’. — Sidenote: I don't mean that we are constantly filled. Whole indicates an inherent completeness. It rejects legitimacy as a manipulative fallacy. And affirms the being isn't dented. First, we are whole. Then, the intricacies of our sensory experiences, and the properties of life, communicate a filling or absence. We come to interact with varying resonance(s). But, or, And, - these properties are always external and do not inform the being's wholeness. ‘Whole’ refers to just Being. 

I see people conflate their existence with their function. Actually, *a function. Why the change? Idk I want to distance, even if semantically, from owning a function. Anyway, I need there to be an ideological gap between the two. In this gap, there is rest. And suitable, healthy room for developing and understanding all that comes with Being. But this must be secondary. I like hierarchy, there is order here. Like, which would you argue is a foundation when building a house? Soil? Or the cement the soil is placed upon? Well, both are. And Yet, which exists wholly without the other? Only the soil. It comes first.  Simultaneously, a house cannot exist without first laying the cement foundation. Can the house ever exist without the soil first? Nope. And still, the cement is vital for the house’s safe development. There is value in recognising order. To one who will not value the soil (first) as a sensible foundation and only consider it important to think of the cement they will lay, they might choose poor soil to build upon or like the foolish man in proverbs that builds his house upon sand. Okay, but why is any of this necessary? Making this gap?

The gap holds space for the first important thing. To Be. Space to Be intuitively. To be the purpose we are formed to be. Be clearer. Okay, lool uhm. Do you realise or recognise an outcome before it occurs? Do you sometimes feel your thoughts rather than think them in words? Do you receive revelation or emotion in externally intangible but internally potent waves and completely understand, still? Do you observe your thoughts and allow them their independence? There is, I think, an untapped reality of Being we have not been trained to notice or value. The gap is a pause. To pause and look inward. The human figur(ing) and form(s) and detail and logic, is imbued with the likeness of its cosmic ancestry. The human was purposefully formed. Purposefully. A universe has made a people in its likeness and what efforts have we made to seek out the depth or make manifest this likeness? Functions of the body act on our behalf without our direct instruction. That is something. And if nothing more, it is a reminder that there’s a natural flow of information to be reckoned with. There is power to be realized and then actualized. We have demonized knowing the body in its given power. I know power sounds dramatic, but I like what it implies. Some come to understand this through religious ritual. To speak in tongues and feel some surge in the pit of our bellies. What are we activating when we step out of the mundane?  In that step, ironically, purpose then, is fulfilled. The step out is a step inward. To curiously explore the body, mind and all in between and surrounding.  

So, sum up then. What’s all the thinking for? I do not feel the ordinary is sensible or truth. What has been made valuable knowledge seems inadequate. I feel purpose in Being. Society isn’t conducive to Just Being tho. I think to better see a clearer image of how to live this life, Just Being, is medicine. Everything after this knowing is- well I don’t care lool. I’ll think about that another day.